Be You. Be Beautiful.

its 2:41am im sitting here trying to pinpoint the exact moment that i fell out of love with my life ive gone over and over in my heard the past three or four years i can remember being a senior in high school so eager to leave that dull small town so ready to be away to be on my own i remember that first year of college while challenging it was also exhilarating everything was new i could make my own decisions sorta i had this new sense of independence i just knew deep down that this is where i was meant to be i was absolutely in love with my life then came that second year of college i didnt realize at the time but this is when things starting going down i struggled with staying motivated but somehow managed to push forward now im working on my third year or i should say im currently failing my third year its not my grades i can do the work im failing because of attendance stupid attendance policy but im not happy at all i have moments of happiness ins...

Is it worse to have known true love and have it ripped away Or to have never known love at all? -Krista McCuistion.

to the guy who may someday fall in love with me im sorry im such a mess i would like to think that eventually i'll have it all together but im so over lying to myself i know that im this undoable puzzle there are so many pieces to me im a puzzle but not that easy 50 piece puzzle that comes in a box with a picture on the front no im the puzzle that came in a box that didnt have a picture of the final product even worse there have been more than plenty who've attempted to put my pieces together along the journey from one lover to the next  ive lost some pieces others have been stolen and several have been ripped and torn so once again im sorry im such a mess at this point in my life ive decided that its okay not to have all the pieces maybe its better this way but i just want you to know that loving me  will be draining and dreadful i know this i also know that im not really sure if im capable of truly being in love so to the guy...

sometimes  i wish  you would have never said "i love you" because now i know it was  just a lie it was a way for  you to fill the emptiness between us and like a  fool so anxious  to be loved i believed those three little toxic words i guess it's  shame on me for believing that  someone could actually love me but trust me i'll never make that mistake again i've learned my lesson -krista mccuistion.

She's the sweetest girl you'll ever meet until you piss her off. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I would like to say that I used to love you but that would mean that I stopped. The truth is my broken heart still beats for you. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ She's a firecracker in the bedroom but you'll never never find out unless you have the right match to light her up. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -Krista McCuistion. 

Oh, look at me and see See the beauty that I cannot see Look at me and say "Oh, such beauty upon that face." -Krista McCuistion.

I'm drowning. There's a stone chained to each one of my ankles. The water keeps rising. I'm holding my breathe. I'm trying to paddle my feet but they won't move. My arms filled with everything that I can't let go of. I'm trying. So hard. I can no longer see the gleam of light. I'm so far under. I don't know if I can make it above the water. I don't know if I want to make it above the water... Krista McCuistion

Losing my virginity?? What??!! Like, what does that even mean?? I didn't lose it. It's not like I was walking down the hallway one day and then... "Oh No!! I lost my virginity!!  Where did it go?" Umm...NO! I was of sound mind and body during my first time. It was my choice and a rather rushed one that I may not have been ready for but by no means do I regret it. It was my first time and it wasn't anything sensational. There were no fireworks or sparks so to speak but  it was special in a rather odd way. I was 15 and a freshmen in high school. I was sitting in the lobby after lunch and  he approached me.  He was no Calvin Klein model  but he had this certain charm about him. He reached for my hand and being the naive freshmen I was I welcomed his touch. It was nice the way he wrapped his arm around my waist and lead me to his truck with that warm inviting smile. It was a rush like never before. It was uncomfortable ...

It began as a normal evening. I met him at the park It was about 9pm I climbed into the seat of his red truck Redbull in one hand, iphone in the other His hands on the wheel and we were off. Cruising the back roads Having light conversation and then we were back at the park. Still talking about random things -"Do you have a six pack?"   "Can I see?" -"Can I see your belly ring?"   "That's hot."   "Can I kiss you?" It was awkward and a little uncomfortable at first. His kisses were soft and gentle Not like the kisses I'm used to. He made me feel appreciated. It was nice the way he kissed my inner thighs. He made me smile every time he would lift his lips from mine just so he could sing to me. I've never been with a guy like that. He's nice and sweet. He's a good guy. I'm just not sure if he's the guy for me. -Krista McCuistion.

So, a brief update on my life. Well, for starters, I finished my sophomore year of college!! (Thank you for the round of applause and you may now be seated.) I am so excited for my future as a social worker. (Side note: We do more than just taking children from their families!) Anyways, I am currently on my summer vacation which means that I am working 40-45 hours a week at the oh so wonderful Sonic Drive-In. If you missed that it was sarcasm. Now I am very thankful for a job and being able to pay my bills but car hopping 40-45 hours a week is exhausting. Customers can be so rude and ungrateful. If you ever go to Sonic please do me favor and just be patient ESPECIALLY DURING HALF PRICE SHAKES!!!!! Just to let ya know everyone and I do mean EVERYONE is ordering ice cream! Things get crazy hectic and we get the orders out as quickly as we possibly can. Okay? Rant over. Moving on. I no longer live with my parents!! What?! Crazy! Right?? Okay, so I live with my grandparents now but, h...

Well it was nice to see your smile but it broke me that it was for her The way you look at her with so much hope and love the way you used to look at me And I saw the way you held her hand as if you would never let go that's how you used to hold mine but you let go and now it's cold Maybe I should be bitter or angry but honestly I'm just broke She took the best man I'd ever known the only man I'd ever loved but what's worse is you chose her You chose Her over me and all I'm left with are the memories a cold hand and a broken heart but it was nice to hear your voice tonight even though it was for the last time (I'll always love you.) goodbye ________. -Krista McCuistion.

Can I tell you exactly how I feel? or will you turn away from me? For me, it's worth the risk to say You give me hope You give me sorrow. Isn't funny how you give me both? I want to push you away Yet somehow someway you pull me in. Your broken past hooks mine and as badly as I wish for it to release I also wish for it to stay. Crazy how I can feel so alone yet feel as if I'm in a crowd of people. Serenity and chaos, that's what you are. How can I explain this growing emotion toward you......could it be...could it be love? Could this chaotic emotion be what's desperately pulling me in as I unwillingly pull away? Is that what love is? I have all these mixed emotions flooding me I don't know what to make of it. Every time I think of you I smile and feel giddy like a child Butterflies dance every time you call me. You're the one I want yet at the same time I just want you out of my life. You drive me crazy with your self-pity bu...

I am twenty the first time a boy calls me a bitch. And my first reaction is to apologize But I quickly realize That the one who should apologize is you You are the boy who called me a bitch simply because I would not spread my legs for you. Now I will admit that I've imagined how you would feel inside of me and those are some pretty damn good thoughts which quickly turn to thoughts of dread and regret I'll also admit that I want you I honestly and desperately want you and this terrifies me. I know that all you want is sex I know your reputation How you treat girls like objects to satisfy your pleasure Yet I still want you and you know that I've told you that I want you. But you don't seem to understand why I can't let myself have you. I'm a mess I'm emotional and unstable I don't know how to trust Too many of my nights are filled with tears I often mistake lust for love I'm insecure I seek attention from guys and...

I can hear it That little voice in my head Telling me to stop Warning me not to go any further But I can't stop myself Or maybe I just don't want to The taste of evil is just too sweet And I crave the rush of uncertainty I know I'm on the road of destruction But, honestly, I have no intention of turning back The journey has only just begun. Krista McCuistion.

Those nights when I can't sleep I've grown to hate those nights. They used to bring me comfort. Comfort turned to pain And then one night There was nothing. I was just......empty. I just wanted to......feel Something Anything Pleasure Pain It's funny that both go hand in hand. So, I become the girl that every guy wants Even if it's only for the night. With my face covered  And my assets playing peek a boo I close my eyes and sway to the rhythm  Until I feel the wanting hand of a stranger  Upon my body And I follow him to fulfill his desire And for a moment I feel.  My emptiness is replaced with pleasure But soon after When he gathers his clothes And all that is left is the memory There comes the pain. Another guy who couldn't handle my crazy is gone. But at least I feel........something Even if it is pain. Now that the sun is up and smiling So am I Until the darkness of the night returns. The empty cy...

He said he wanted To know her All of her But she resisted For she knew That if he knew her Truly knew her He would leave But she also knew That if she didn't Let him in He would still leave So she took a chance And said to him "Welcome to my dark place Where all my nightmares Come true Welcome to my terror Where my worst fears Chase me And no matter where I hide No matter how fast I run They always catch me They always win Welcome to my dark place But, fair warning, Once you enter There is no turning back But if you truly wish to Know me This is where you'll find The part of myself That I hide from the Rest of the world." Silence She waited Finally His reply "Welcome to my dark place Where my worst nightmares Come true This dark place is where I am without you For it is a place of terror One that I do not wish to enter The only dark place I wish to enter Is yours Because in your dark place It's actually not so ...

She longed for the days The days when she would be able to share  To share everything All the pains. All the terrors. She wanted to share all these nightmares To share them with those she could trust The ones who wouldn't pity her The ones who wouldn't look at her As something corrupted As someone corrupted by the evil Living within the shadows of her past She longed for those days For she was growing weary ....... And so she puts on her mask Charging through life Seeking out the ones who she could trust As she clings to the hope that One day she'll walk proudly Along side the ones Without the mask. -Krista McCuistion. 

The nights When the sun is no longer in sight I sit all alone Tears streaming down my face Longing for what used to be Us walking hand in hand You and me You were suppose to be my forever You were suppose to be my "the one" But all I'm left with is memories Of what used to be How pathetic am I? For falling for you When you never even really cared for me I gave you my heart And you made me believe That i had yours You broke my heart And the crazy part? My heart still belongs to you After nearly two years of over I still long for your hands To pull me into your soft kisses Your eyes to look at me with desire Your body against mine As we both dream How can i still love you? You broke my trust You broke my heart You shattered my world Yet, I want you back I need you to be mine But i know you never will be And you never really were Yeah.... The nights When the sun is no longer in sight That's when i fall apart That's when i break d...

fingers flowing through her hair making their way across her body up and down and all around exploring every part with curiosity as lips met lips and body met body sighs of satisfaction escaped her mouth again and again and again finding rhythm making music with his sighs of satisfaction faster and faster as he went in and out and in and out filling her like never before faster and faster and faster until.... total bliss for that was the night the night she lost her innocence the night she first made love -Krista McCuistion.

Curled up in a corner Tears flooding her eyes Body trembling in terror Eyes shut tight As she wished upon that midnight star. She wished for freedom She wished for love Eyes open at the sound of pain Eyes open as she watched The anger within his eyes The anger within his soul Come bursting out with every blow Torture torture beat and abuse She watched her mother accept it all In those moments of horror She wished to run away Far far away from the hell she'd always known Only her body could not move Her eyes could not close Something within her forced her to watch It forced her to see the evil within this world At too young of an age She was just a little girl She was suppose to be so innocent and pure But he corrupted her This little girl All she knew  All she had ever seen  Was the torture and evil of a corrupt man He stole her childhood Her childhood that was suppose to be so  Happy and joyful Filled with ...

She knew exactly what he longed for. She knew because she saw him With those wandering eyes And eager hands. How he craved her embrace With every lick of his lips in anticipation As wicked thoughts of satisfaction filled his head. She knew exactly what he longed for. She also knew that the more he wished for her The more she would resist. For she craved the attention And cherished the chase But even more so She adored the powerful sensation Of allowing him to believe he could Actually stand a chance. -Krista McCuistion.

"All she wanted was to be his but... Commitment.  By saying yes she would be his but that's the issue. Commitment. By saying yes she would be trapped. Commitment. She would no longer be her own. Commitment. The obligation that restricts freedom of action. Commitment. What a terrifying word. Commitment. What a terrifying image. Commitment. and so... she lost him." -Krista Kay McCuistion.